This is shameless self promotion for my new series "Twixters" that will air on Rogers on Demand and the Emmy Award winning digital cable channel BiteTV this fall.

"twixters" is a satire of the 'facebook' generation, centering around four twenty-somethings trying to cope with life between adolescence and adulthood. The show is a unique comedic take on the generation that Time Magazine has dubbed 'Twixters'.

 

We're asking everyone to join the facebook group if you don't want to click the link, just search "twixters" on facebook. If you happen not to have facebook check our you tube page for updates. 

 

Below are two welcome videos for the facebook group and our show.

 

Thanks,

Dan 

       

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve made a new video which parodies Bell Sympatico’s friendly little avatar helper Emily as she watches you Surf the Internet.

For those of you who didn’t hear – the issue is Bell Sympatico is now monitoring us on the internet because the Conservatives are expected to bring in a new internet surveillance bill. The Bottom line: With Bell allowing the government total access and the government planning on pushing through a bill that could allow officials to gain access to that info without a warrant or our knowledge- our privacy could be in real jeopardy, if we don't speak up.

Here are the Coles Notes from Michael Geist’s  Article on the matter.

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As of June 15th Bell Clause took effect.

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The Bell “Clause”: advised subscribers that the company retains the right to "monitor or investigate content or your use of your service provider's networks and to disclose any information necessary to satisfy any laws, regulations or other governmental request."

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What’s all the Fuss About?: “The new clause raised fears, however, that Bell was extending that scrutiny to the active monitoring of user content as well as escalating its willingness to disclose subscriber information without prior judicial oversight.”

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Our Friend the Government’s Plan: “…the Conservative government is expected to reintroduce lawful access legislation this fall and speculated that the change might have been in anticipation of that statutory reform” – For all you right wingers who read this to spit at me – Yes I know the Liberals introduced this legislation they’re also wrong a lot – congrats!

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My Own Coles Notes:

The Difference Between Bell and it’s competitors : To my knowledge, Rogers claims they won’t be implementing this until the law passes.

The Story so Far: Bell expects the government to reintroduce the internet surveillance bill, and in turn begins monitoring all our internet use starting now.. to I suppose get a head start? Bell then gives a statement saying something along the lines of “we’re not spying”. Here’s the official line from their spokesperson Paulo Pasquini “To suggest that we are illegally or routinely monitoring our customers is inaccurate and false”.

True you’re not doing it “illegally” because the government doesn’t protect us from that, and you’re not doing it routinely yet…until the government tells you to (which could come as soon as the fall). You’re also not standing up for your customers – or attempting to, Christ you’re not even attempting to fake, like you’re attempting to, you know like Rogers.

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The ISP’s weak backbone assurances, reminds me of a great line from a scene in Curse of the Jade Scorpion when Helen Hunt catches Woody Allen searching through her apartment. Allen in his typical nervous bluster replies

“ahh..I wasn’t spying,  I, I was rummaging”.  

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Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. This parody video is a warning and it contains no false information – Bell is watching you, come the new legislation – they will be watching you more and so will Rogers, Cogeco and anyone else who provides the internet.

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Problems I see besides lack of privacy:

Who will be watching? Because if you’ve watched the United States and their NSA troubles, who’s on guard and watching can be somewhat important. (This understatement has been brought to you by the Middle East – The Middle East, we’ve had better times.)  

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The mainstream media and the government want to hold the internet to the same boundries and rules of regular society – but here’s the thing, it’s not the same thing, it’s tricky. There is a lot of fantasy going on. It’s like government – a lot of empty promises and everyone is fucking somebody else.

 I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of charges laid against angry teens in Che Guevara t-shirts because they once left a “Stephen Harper Should Be Shot for… insert left wing cause here” on a Propaghandi message board. Even with the latest “terror” arrests in Toronto, all media reports seem to be pointing to many of the threats coming from message boards. I pose this “radical” question – should everything be taken seriously? I’m not standing up for crazy people – but most stereotypes are true and there are a lot of macho douchebags in their parents basements – making idle meaningless threats, against the government in between trying to hack girls web cams. Do we really care enough to spend how every many millions to make sure every single idle threat on the internet is proven to be just an idle threat? Because you’ll need a pretty big force on that job – (Seriously somebody needs to hold Rona Ambrose’s head under water until she has trouble breathing and then keep repeating “this is how Polar Bears feel”, until she comes up for air and gets us back in Kyoto.) See example A – I just did it, should someone look into that… I think it would be a waste of money because it's sarcasm, I do not wish Miss Ambrose any harm. Seriously I don't... Honestly... You people are so cynical.

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Finally, what could a giant corporation like Bell do with files upon files of internet information? You don’t think they’d use it for marketing purposes do you? Now, there is no evidence besides common sense to back this concern up, I’m just saying every form of communication since the cave drawing – somebody has figured out our buying habits and created a commercial to remind us what they are. So, when you’re curious why bell doesn’t fight these sorts of things – that’s where I’d start. They already do it on the internet from myspace to yahoo – they even do it with your “snail” mail so why not do it with your internet.

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So enjoy the video parody – lets hope this bill doesn’t get this far.

Darwin Bless You and please Stay Awake,

Dan

P.S - The Author of the Globe and Mail/Ottawa Citizen columns Michael Geist who was also quoted as an expert in other columns about this issue, emailed us and gave us his approval by spreading the word on this video and posting it on his blog. It's an important issue so I hope our generation doesn't let this go without a fight.  Thanks to Michael for writing about it. Thanks to the Canadian blogosphere for posting it too.

Below are some great Canadian Blogs be sure to check them out.

Links:

Michael Geist’s Page

StageLeft

Wingnuterer

T.O Blog

Lest We Forget?

Issue: Some Canadian Douchebag gets drunk pees on a war memorial and the media and country go nuts!

Dan you can’t possibly be pro war memorial discretion are you? NO! But I’m also not pro losing perspective and that’s what everyone has done here.

A kid got drunk and peed on a war memorial – the world is not ending. Is this kid a douche bag ? Of  course  – do you think he’s in Al Qaeda? Or behind some greater youth conspiracy to undermine the war effort? I doubt it. This is issue is border lining on Salem for some people.

First up David McGuinty who is thinking wow my brother just allowed the first two Nuclear Power Plants in North America in the last three years – how can I out stupid him ?  

“But McGuinty, the Liberal member for Ottawa South, wants Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Justice Minister Vic Toews to create a new criminal offence that would specifically prohibit "mischief, vandalism or destruction" of Canada's war memorials. Fines should be substantial and penalties should include imprisonment, McGuinty said”

Imprisonment? Listen I know these sorts of issues piss us off so it’s a gut reaction. But really IMPRISONMENT? Our prisons are full enough as it is, plus you need to save room for all the Muslims being held without warrant after all. Besides, this has happened once! Okay once, society needs to start having a breakdown over things that happen once! The rest of us do not need to spend countless hours of peoples time and tax payers money because one kid is an idiot. He’s already going to die as the douchebag who peed on the memorial! When we find out his name write it down.. and check the obits in 40 years – it will be there. “John Doe leaves behind three loving grandchildren his wife Jane and years of shame – No matter how patriotic you feel kids, grandpa wants you to remember that too much Molson’s can be a bad thing”.

But apparently that’s not enough for some people – they want justice – how about a buylaw – sorry bylaw (silly me) that we can hang him from the flagpole and let the vetrans beat him until Candy comes out – or would that disgrace flag poles? Wait wait David McGuinty isn’t finished

"Most countries for years now have had honour guards posted at their tombs of the Unknown Soldier, and I thought we should be doing the same," McGuinty said.

No we shouldn’t! because guards cost money – and we need all the guards we have in Afghanistan remember? A month ago we were crying for more guards at Parliament Hill because people were going to behead the Prime Minister – (dan note: if it comes down to those being the choices – go with the Unknown Soldier – atleast he did something helpful for Canada. ) We don’t need guards or giant barriers or Port a Pots around the memorial – we need perspective.

Everytime I think there are signs we’re  better than the United States – we lose it again. First it was terrorism and now we’re going to bring up something that is virtually the same as America’s debate on flag burning. The peeing you say is obviously different – and I agree because I’ve never seen it before this kid and I doubt I’ll see it after. Is it disgraceful ? ofcourse but so is 90 percent of what the government does (they did after all have a debate on who gave who the finger – before they left for a well deserved summer break). Soldiers fought for freedoms and the future they did not fight for red and white fabric and slabs of concrete. You simply say – that act is a disgrace – pity his mother and move on. Their will always be morons, worry about the things you can DO SOMETHING ABOUT.

You know what’s disgraceful is that most kids don’t know what Dieppe is, or Vimy Ridge or anything about Laura Secord except that her ice cream rocks! Worry about that - Not drunken misfits .

Worry about Freedom of the Press – you remember that right? When people didn’t have to enlist to ask a question. I think that’s one of those freedoms politicians cynically throw around that my grandfather fought for.

Worry about the fact our Defense minister used to Lobby for a company that lied to get the U.S. into the first Iraq war and at the same time he was lobbying for Airbus.

Worry about the fact our Health Minister owns 25 percent in a Pharmaceutical company that his department is suppose to regulate.

Worry about the fact that Canada’s record on Climate Change is the second-worst in the world. Only the United States throws out more greenhouse gases proportionate to either its population or to the size of its economy.

While you’re at it - Worry about the fact, we’re backing out of an environmental agreement (Kyoto) that took 16 years in the making. An agreement we helped take the lead in. An agreement that is the first real world step in helping reduce Climate Change – You know the whole species not killing itself issue is something that might have interested the troops back in the first two world wars  - In fact if I recall that’s why they went in the first place.

Worry about the fact we’re in our biggest military operation since Korea and almost half the country doesn’t want to be there. Worry, that we just spent 15 billion dollars to ensure our stay til Vancouver’s newly themed opening ceremonies where the countries will come in on the tanks we bought.  

Worry about the fact we’re in a three party system that can only seem to have one functioning party at a time.

Worry that the official opposition party is going to have a pro war candidate running next election – so the choice will be “Calgary Afghanistan or Harvard Afghanistan.”

If you want to get petty about patriotism, fine but don’t spend my tax dollars for your gut reaction. Remember this countries last two leaders weren’t exactly Captain Canuck – Do you recall Harper mocking the poppy? What about Paul Martin and the old “Canadian Flag-shmag”… my ships are worldly?  

When people sign up for the army they want to fight for our freedoms, to protect Canada or to help bring peace to other countries, you know things that actually matter - not fake issues like flag burning or where some drunk kid makes the mistake of his life. If we want to respect them we should be engaged in the public debate – over things that actually matter – things that affect real people day in and day out and its Parliaments job to make those issues accessable to the public.

You want to punish this young man? Make him help you work on increasing the youth vote, or work on Parliament actually working together, not one side threatening an election and the other side being scared of one, you know so the youth actually can bring themselves to vote for someone and not feel their more mature than the candidates themselves.

Then you can come to me and say we’re truly doing our fallen soldiers proud, because if we don’t have a strong, united, informed country – we’re really just like Germany’s World cup fans– yelling, waving flags and still trying to figure out how we lost.

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From the “When You think the world couldn’t get any dumber” File:

 

“On the occasion of U.S. President George W. Bush's 60th birthday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will come calling Thursday with the gift of a brass belt buckle and an RCMP Stetson.”

Honestly, do you think it’s possible Cynically Tested can even satirize things anymore?

The only way I could see this getting any more stupid is this - On the occasion of U.S. President George W. Bush's 60th birthday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will come calling Thursday with the gift of a piece of the Alberta Tar Sands and a dead Polar Bear.

At least then it’s honest.

 

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P.S. Thanks to TomPaine.com for listing Sponsor a Missile as it's PASS IT ON feature. This blog has been linked by Jesus General as well so thanks to both of those blogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So Thanks to,

 

 

If you want to leave a comment - email me at the_last_realist@hotmail.com or see my other blog at http://cynicallytested.mtvblogs.ca/ - leave me a comment there if you like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senate rejects flag discretion amendment by ONE VOTE!

“A constitutional amendment to ban flag desecration died in a Senate cliffhanger Tuesday, a single vote short of the support needed to send it to the states for ratification and four months before voters elect a new Congress”

Reason 823939393 why the world will be run by China soon.

Honestly America why? You’re fighting three different wars (terrorism, Iraq, Drugs) this isn’t important – perhaps you should try focusing on getting Iraqi’s and oh I don’t know THE REST OF THE WORLD to stop burning your flag. You know get to source of the problem and I don’t mean Wal Mart. But it wouldn’t be a news story if wasn’t for a Comet Quote (words that help bring the comet closer). Mr Bill Frist you have the floor.

"Countless men and women have died defending that flag," said Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., closing two days of debate. "It is but a small humble act for us to defend it."

No it’s a small trivial and stupid act – in fact it’s not an “act” at all because act comes from the word action, which means DOING SOMETHING.  Having an amendment on flag burning is like having an amendment that you should respect the President. It’s pointless, non patriotic and flies in the face of everything a democratic society stands for. Besides it’s hard to respect either when you can so easily buy both.

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Bell Sympatico: Emily is a nosey bitch.

Bell Sympatico has informed its customers that it intends to "monitor or investigate content or your use of your service provider's networks and to disclose any information necessary to satisfy any laws, regulations or other governmental request."

 

This move has been seen by industry analysts as a sign that the industry itself expects the Harper government to revive the surveillance law

 

“A spokeswoman for Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day said no decision has been made on the bill, known as the Modernization of Investigative Techniques Act “

 

But before you think “DAMN YOU CONSERVATIVES” – think again. It’s much more uplifting than that, the other party we have in this country was for it too – The Liberals had this law slated to go in last November just before the Gov’t fell.

The law will probably be introduced in the fall and is as creepy and fun as it sounds. What’s all of this mean?

Well, the police will be able to demand customer information from Internet providers without having to make a case before a judge. So the opposition and the government are for the law – Small little insignificant corporations like Bell Globe Media are behind it (before the law even settles in) way to stand up for the little guy! It’s always lovely when the government and corporations can get together and agree on something isn’t it?

Who will stand against this future bill and the current actions of Bell Sympatico?

By the way, Bell Sympatico incase you’re watching – You’re a pathetic bunch of unpatriotic spineless bastards…. Wait, I once had sympatico, as I recall they don’t actually listen to their customers.. hmm what could I do that they would care about?  Oh I got it

Screw You Sympatico.

American Idle: The Supreme Court Watch

Story One: The Supreme Court will look at whether or not the EPA has the right to regulate green house gases from cars or carbon dioxide from power plants.

 ''Fundamentally, we don't think carbon dioxide is a pollutant, and so we don't think these attempts are a good idea,'' said John Felmy, chief economist of the American Petroleum Institute, a trade group representing oil and gas producers.

Umm Fundamentally? You’re the American Petroleum Institute fundamentally you don’t believe in anything! Why even have a quote from this guy? Why not just have two pictures side by side – one of a polar bear drowning and then just one of John Felmy shrugging in a Hummer.

“The administration maintains that carbon dioxide -- unlike other chemicals that must be controlled to assure healthy air -- is not a pollutant under the federal clean air law, and that even if it were the EPA has discretion over whether to regulate it.” ]

Discretion

Pronunciation: dis-'kre-sh&n
Function: noun

 1. : ability to make responsible decisions
2.a : individual choice or judgment <left the decision to his discretion> b : power of free decision or latitude of choice within certain legal bounds <reached the age of discretion>

3. ability to follow orders ahh – choose wisely, as in the choice of listening to who pays you.

Ex. The Volunteer National Guard used their discretion when deciding on whether or not to go to Iraq.

Oh well with Al Gore on their side, the Supreme Court is bound to listen. Remember Supreme Court, you owe him one.

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Issue Two: Strike Another Blow for the Little Guy!

“The Supreme Court ruled today that a Vermont law restricting campaign donations and expenditures was unconstitutional. The court said that the law's limits on how much a candidate could spend violated a landmark 30-year-old ruling equating such spending with free speech and that its limits on donations to a campaign were far too stringent.”

“The Vermont law limited the amount a candidate for governor may spend in a two-year election cycle to $300,000; a candidate for lieutenant governor to $100,000, and other statewide offices to $45,000. State senators and representatives would be limited to spending between $4,000 and $2,000, depending on their district.”

Seriously how are you suppose to throw a 500 dollar a plate dinner on $300,000? Do you know how expensive it is to drive around and canvas neighbourhoods? Gas alone is like 100,000 and we’re not even factoring in how much I pay my driver.

Finally the supreme court has stood up for the little guy and protected Free Speech – It’s laws like this that give us great American Cinderella stories like Michael Bloomberg or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who is the government to tell us how much we can spend to become part of the government!

Besides every schmuck has 300,000 dollars even Katrina Victims have that, the used it to float around on for two weeks. Do you want to live in a country where “anyone” can run for office? It would be impossible to know everything about “anyone” – so do you really want strangers in elected positions? That’s the kind of thinking Canada’s immigration policy is based on and look how that worked out.

Free Speech Lives – But it will now cost over 300,000.

The Insincere Report: Nelly Furtado

Recently I was watching television and a video caught my attention, because my first thought was wow Fergie has really lost weight and looks more Portuguese than I remember. As it turns out it was Canadian (Hip Hop Artist?) Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous.

Nelly brought out “Loose” this month a title which she says describes her mood – laid back that is. Yet while watching the video, your mind wanders to another meaning for loose – but you can fill in your own punch line – or wait six months until the “comedians” at video on trial do it for you.  But to prove she meant laid back and not “easy” her first single is Promiscuous – I suppose your first single being called slutty would have seemed blunt – It’s important to ease people into a new image.

Nelly’s new image has people debating on whether it is a sell out or not – of course this is the point – marketing is as marketing does. The point is sex sells – and image has a greater hold over music than ever before.  

Here’s a story quoted from the Globe and Mail which sort of sums this up for me.

“During a break, she's told about a cover story in one of the local papers, and she needs to know more. Not whether her new album, Loose, is positively appraised; not whether a quote has been taken out of context.

No, she really doesn't care what the story says. "Which photo did they run?" she asks excitably, her mammoth green eyes widening, impossibly.”

Fair enough who am I to judge blah blah blah. Here’s the sort of thing that disappoints me from Nelly’s Mouth:

 “I really wanted to prove myself as a singer-songwriter first. On this album, I was like, 'Okay, I've proven some things, so let's do the stuff I personally love….I never thought I could capture that naive thing again, but I'm happy I did on this album.”

Here’s the trouble I have – why can’t you be a singer songwriter first and do things you personally love at the same time? Did anyone else know it was one or the other?

Why build up credibility to just do fluff? Just go straight to the fluff – that’s why it’s called fluff it’s easy – you don’t have to take a lot of steps to get there. Why bother with the first two steps? Step one get a philosophy degree, two lock yourself in a room and listen to Ani DiFranco and three… Wear a belly top?

You see this in all entertainment fields from Phillip Seymour Hoffman going from Capote to Scientology killer in – MI:II to Liz Phair and Jewel with their attempts at going toe to toe with Britney. I suppose people can’t be satisfied with just doing what they love – they need to be “stars”.

Say what you will about Nelly Furtado – but she always could write a catchy hook presumably herself (am I being naïve? Perhaps). Now it feels forced, your last album sold 400,000 copies was a giant bomb for your label which collapsed and you ran to Jimmy Iovine who made you go his “new way” – the way of the hip hop. Should be called Loose featuring Nelly Furtado.

And you can quote me “I’m like a bird” and I realize she’s not the second coming of Joni Mitchell but nevertheless her music sounded different and in certain songs she had a message – even if it was a simple one. Take for instance – Powerless, Furtado’s first single off her last album (though she wants you to forget that one.) It was a decent power pop song and reminded us that pop music could involve real instruments, be “fun” and yet have somewhat of a message.

But stop the debate on this new record – this is a calculated marketing move – not just something the artist did to have fun. You don’t have to be an industry insider to pick out these sort of calculated moves, you just have to pay attention.

If you like the music, that’s your choice but don’t try and argue, that this is just Nelly having fun and it’s not a change in direction. If you think this is an easy fit and transition from her club days in BC, you obviously didn’t see her performance of Promiscuous and by her performance I mean Timbaland’s on SNL – Watch it on YouTube here.

It reminds me of when I was a child watching Sesame Street and I played “one of these things just doesn’t belong here”.

 

There’s a slew of back up dancers hot off a 50 cent shoot –  and Nelly does her best to fit in but I couldn’t help but hear Eugene Levy in the background repeating “you got me straight trippin boo” as I watched her try to rap.

 

I did this up because like I said previously on my rant on Hilary Duff – I’m sick of substance and sincerity taking a back seat in music to style and image. Substance is now something that is almost becoming kitsch – oh there’s that Ani Difranco doing that lefty message music again – how cute. Or how Pink releases SMART GIRLS as a kitschy summer song as if substance and intelligence is now no different than a belly top and lube. Well not all of us are so easily swayed by slick production and a nice set of abs.

 

A Few Misconceptions of Pop Reviewers.

 

1. Showing skin is not empowering to Women – Unless your Muslim. If you think wearing a Belly top and tight jeans is giving it to the man – you’re half right you’re giving it to men but it’s not what you think. The only nude photograph of a girl to ever push the envelope and make a real cultural impact didn’t come from Rolling Stone – It came from Vietnam.

 

2. You can’t be exploring your artistic side, when you sound like everyone else

If you were doing something creative that sounded different and then bring out something that sounds like something that gets played on MTV every other minute – you can no longer claim you’re just having fun or exploring different styles of music because you’re not – you’re just exploring different styles of . Just like when Sheryl Crow sells her music to commercials, she can’t claim she’s trying to reach a wider audience – she’s trying to reach a wider cheque book.

 

3. It doesn’t matter if you had black friends or are another ethnicity – that doesn’t actually make you closer to being black.

Nelly Furtado when she coos in her new single throws what for lack of a more pc-term you can call a “blackcent” – if you put on any sort of “voice” you should immediately be erased off the credibility blackboard. I’m talking to you Fergie and Nelly and 20 others. What they do is just like how Terri Clark and Shania Twain somehow have a “southern twang” – Ya’ll Come back to Timmins, ya hear! Madonna is still being made fun of for the Brit accent, what’s so different about that and the above examples. Faking an accent to fit in, is faking an accent to fit in. Stop it and be yourself.

 

3.1 – I don’t care if 15 years ago you won a hip hop contest or hang out with DJ’s or if when she was 12 she rapped – you are what you release! Nelly Furtado didn’t release songs like Promiscuous on her first two albums nor did she skank it up to this level– so don’t bring out Nelly’s biography to defend a slick image makeover now!

 

4. Finally if you sample Hall and Oates and aren’t being ironic, we should be allowed to dangle you from town square and beat you until candy comes out. Or download your music for free – which ever you feel is worse.

 

5. Fluff is Fluff – Label it “fun” or “exploring different genres” or “club music” bad lyrics are bad lyrics some examples 

 

Move your body around like a nympho
Everybody get your neck to crack around
All you crazy people c'mon jump around
I wanna see you all on your knees, knees
You either wanna be with me or be me

 

You either wanna be with me or be me? – Really because I can think of atleast one other option.

 

You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

 

I’VE HEARD THIS BEFORE STOP!!!! We get it girls you’re worried about what guys will think of you in the morning – My Humps..My Humps… etc etc – If you want to be respected in the morning go home by yourself and don't sleep around so you can write neurotic songs about it.

 

I stand on my own it's all me
Regardless of whatever they call me
I'm a leader not a follower
And I'd rather be paid and popular

 

Well Nelly and Friends you got your wish, congrats!

 

Tony Clement – Conflict of Interest or Just Plain Lucky?

 

Tony Clement has refused to sell his 25 per cent stake in Prudential Chem a Toronto based pharmaceutical company. So Who Cares?

Quick fact: Tony Clement is our Health Minister!

Q: Gee Dan, what’s a health minister do?

Well i'm glad you asked, imaginary little boy reading my blahg.

The Health Minister is in charge of the ministry that regulates the drug approval process.

But gee Dan, isn’t that conflict of interest?

Sorry little boy your name isn’t on a list of the privileged “question askers” – so I guess we’ll never know.

He also awarded a $25,000 sole-sourced contract to a man named Gordon Haugh. Who is Mister Haugh? Well according to a media release by the Coalition of Health care workers and health advocacy here’s his unbiased background.

 “Mr. Haugh served as Mr. Clement’s press secretary at the Ontario Ministry of Health, with an annualized contract of over $300,000 or $25,000 a month. He then went on to serve as the Minister’s director of communications during Mr. Clement’s failed provincial and federal leadership bids, and as tour director to then Canadian Alliance Leader Stockwell Day in the 2000 federal election. Today, Mr. Haugh is the general manager of the Canadian International Pharmacists Association (CIPA), an industry association that represents Canadian pharmacies that sell internationally, including internet pharmacies, which are regulated by Mr. Clement’s ministry.“

So there you have it, no harm no foul – aren’t you glad we cleaned up the government.

What is Happening to Canada?

Besides the fact our environmental policies are consisting of little more than acknowledging we have an Environment, there are other problems that are addressing our little country.

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The “What To Do.. Wrong" List -

 

1. The Environment – See yesterdays Blahg.

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2  A Modest Proposal – 2010 – Olympics in Afghanistan/Vancouver?

 

Parliament gets out on Friday for a well deserved break – You can tell their tired, once Albertans start apologizing to Chinese people you know it’s either a sign of Heat Exhaustion or Burn out and since Ottawa doesn’t seem to believe in Global Warming anymore – I guess it’s just burn out. So when everyone goes on break – what will happen next week? Well a 15 BILLION dollar military procurement. Screw that blue beret thing – it probably lead us to that whole legal gay marriage thing. Let’s blow shit up!

Small Little Fact – Afghanistan is the biggest military adventure for Canada since the Korean War. ( Note: it has also been known as the Forgotten War.)

(*Note to the Note: The Korean was a war in between World War II and Vietnam, it didn’t produce any good music so no one remembers it.. GO DIXIE CHICKS!).

Don’t worry even though most Canadians don’t support this war – your opposition Liberals are on the case!

“We support the purchase of equipment that our troops need,” said Liberal Defense Critic Ujial Dosanjh.

Ummm the word CRITIC is in your TITLE – How can you screw this up.. oh wait there’s more.

 “But we have significant concerns that the Government has cobbled together a sloppy, reckless purchase process that is riddled with issues of conflict of interest, potentially serious legal liability because of clandestine meetings, and a resulting outsourcing of sovereignty by the federal government.”  - Liberal Defence Critic Ujjal Dosanjh

By all means 15 billion for war – neato, we just think ya got gipped! Long story long it looks as though the Defense Minister might also be using his spare time to be a lobbyist as they bought all the neat penis extensions.

“There is, at the very least, a perceived conflict of interest for Gordon O’Connor to be involved as Minister in these purchases,” said Mr. Dosanjh. “The Prime Minister should remove him, or ask him to recuse himself, from these files.”

In blunt terms– Gordon Campbell worked at Hill and Knowlton as a (say it with me now) LOBBYIST–

 

Quick Fact Check on Hill and Knowlton.

They infamously and courageously helped Citizens for A Free Kuwait which helped America go to their first Iraq “liberation” by getting a 15 year old Kuwaiti girl to testify to the senate and congressional human rights caucus about how she worked in a Kuwaiti Hospital and saw Saddams troops take babies out of incubators and left the babies”on the cold floor to die”. (apparently incubators on the black market of 1990 iraq – hot stuff). Anyway, all of that turned out to be one of those little white lies you tell from time to time. White lies like wasn’t in the hospital at all really and was the daughter of the Kuwaiti Ambassador to the U.S. – Still he was an evil dictator and the world 15 years later is better without him… Tony Snow I’m tired you take over.  Long story long that whole thing done by the P.R. Machine at Hill and Knowlton Mmmm Marketing. For More info on this - New York Times  Article.

Which brings us back to our own Defense Minister – what did he do at Hill and Knowlton? Well one would be correct to assume he helped them lobby for their client the airbus military company.  – I’ll give you one guess who’s in the running for contracts from the Military Procurement – Did you say airbus? you’re cynical. You’re also right. By the way we’re committed “by NATO contract” until 2009 in Afghanistan.

This is dangerous territory because we don’t have an opposition party and they’re not going after issues on Parliament Hill.

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How Question Period Usually Goes:

NDP Member: Why are we in Afghanistan and spending 15 billion dollars?

Liberal Member: Yes Why are we in Afghanistan and spending 15 billion dollars?

Conservative Member: Well I’ll have you know the Liberals brought us into Afghanistan and the front runner in their leadership campaign supports us in Afghanistan. As for the 15 Billion well we wouldn’t have to spend that now except we have to make up for the starvation of our armed forces during the Liberals 13 YEARS OF POWER (they always say the number… it’s like when you get a new job – you always pretend the other guy fucked things up so badly you have to redo EVERYTHING! So you don’t look in over your head.)

NDP Member then yells at the conservatives for answers– they blame the liberals again – the Liberals blame the ndp for bringing an end to their monarchy– the ndp somehow gets in an argument about who is the real “blamer” with the Liberals – Belinda Stronach puts on eye liner – Rona Ambrose puts on mascara to counter Belinda’s eyeliner - Stephen Harper fixes his hair piece to let Rona know he’s still putting effort into their relationship and then Mike Duffy comes on to analyze what we may have missed.

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Dear Bill Graham: If I wanted A Useless Liberal Opposition Party I'd move to the States.

You can’t have a three party system when people only vote for one. The Liberals can’t be the monarchy of our country no matter how much you hate the conservatives – but with conservatives it’s important to have some sort of opposition so they can’t take up conservative pet projects like say, gut the environment and take us to a never-ending military mission in Afghanistan.

That’s why I supported the NDP last time around so they’d have enough seats to actually be an opposition party when the Liberals were too busy fundraising. And guess what?

 the LIBERALS ARE TOO BUSY FUNDRAISING

They have 11 candidates and 4 ideas. Unfortunately the NDP didn’t get that many seats and now the Liberals are failing as an opposition party and failing miserably.

If the defense critic’s biggest problem with us being in Afghanistan is the 15 billion dollar military pledge may be “sloppy and involve outsourcing”– then you’re not a real critic, you’re Lou Dobbs. This should be about being there in the first place. How about some real opposition, I know you're trying to save money for extra balloons come November but try and fake it and pretend you care what goes on until then. Do it for me.

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Canada's New World Role?

If you think Canada needs a greater role on the world stage – put more funding into soccer, okay?

If Americans are so desperate for help to build a pipeline in Afghanistan – here’s what you do – hire all those Mexicans you want to deport – it’s a win win!  

Otherwise How long will Canadians be in Afghanistan – as long as the Air Farce has been on the CBC – TOO LONG. If you think it’s bad now, wait until next year when the Americans will be harder to find in Afghanistan than Osama Bin Laden.

 

P.S. Sorry about your whole Genocide thing Darfur but we don't peace keep anymore, Daddy needs some new planes.

 

 

 

News from the O’Really Factor

 

Sometimes things that shouldn’t bother me, do. Sometimes even though you know things are awful and ridiculous, you for whatever reason still get mad –

Fact One: Everyone knows that Hilary Duff is talent less and is a pretty face who will be forgotten about in the recycle-a-minute culture we live in.

Fact Two: Not everyone knows this, and in some articles then even call her a “musician”.  

 

Passion vs Profit : The Quote That Hit A Nerve

 

The actress/singer made a statement in Elle against New York Times Critic Stephen Holden's claim that she is "talent-challenged," saying that, "he doesn't really fit the demographic. So I could really care less….Suppose the next thing I did was this super-edgy independent movie where I was pregnant or shooting up? What would that do to my fan base?"

Here’s the part that’s disgusting – is that Hilary Duff even has a magazine article to complain about this in. She’s on the cover of Elle and that’s the most honest thing about this article, because honestly a magazine who features women more blank and thin than the magazine itself is obviously going to contain fluff.   

 

Now I know everyone’s saying who the hell cares? But listen if people can’t catch on that Hilary Duff is a fake plastic tree, then of course people are going to vote on a politician by who they’d rather have a beer with. McDonalds has a playpen the same reason the catholic church has Sunday school – to attract young children.  You must get to children when they’re young to affect thinking, this is widely known among marketers and hopefully among the public.

Look at the way these simple marketing concepts have infiltrated the way poor little duffbot thinks, “he doesn’t really fit the demographic, so I could really care less.”… Sorry, I was busy downing a bottle of Tylenol… for those who caught that – Hilary, apparently is very focused on her demographic. And she should be because it’s her business, not passion.  

When you try and pitch a tv show or do any sort of treatment to a television network, they’re obsessed with what your “demographic” is – You know what my demographic is? People who don’t pay attention to demographics – and you know what? THEY PROBABLY HAVE A CATEGORY FOR THAT.

Abbie Hoffman said that music is an important tool for revolution or at least that’s what my mom’s Abbie Hoffman doll said when I pulled the string.

Yet, in my lifetime, marketing has sold my generation on marketing. Musicians now see it as a must use tool – everyone who has ever become famous enough to bend over a hose in maxim has a perfume or some sort of product that will sell for 50 percent off on clearance in 6 months. Hip Hop has turned it into a fine art, with the apex being Nelly rapping about what brand of shoe he loves. The American Idol winner hasn’t even brought out an album or single and he is on a Ford Truck commercial – memo to old Idol - YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FIRST – THEN YOU SELL OUT! It’s like being a suicide bomber before reading the Quran, you’re missing steps (I kid). That above line is the problem though – there is no selling out in my generation, why not be a mascot for a corporation, what’s it matter? Seriously why not be Ronald McDonald? It would pay well right? 

We have a whole generation now that sees no problem with advertising being in every single part of their lives, from ads at school to their ipod; right down to virgin phones giving away free minutes, as long as you watch some commercials and answer a quiz about it. They think advertising has no affect on any of us, we’ve become too advanced and cynical.  I disagree. Here's why.

People will say there are no studies showing that marketing has any affect on our buying habits. You want a study? I’ve done one – I put my hand up to my ear and felt that my brain wasn’t oozing out, then I saw that Coca Cola and Wal Mart spend billions of dollars a year on advertising. I put these two facts together and came up with ADVERTISING OBVIOUSLY WORKS! You can print that if you wish.

Wal-Mart who has closed stores to save money on unions and Coca Cola who has a ridiculous human rights record to save some money on factory work spend billions on advertising because why? Better safe than sorry? Of course not it’s because it works.

 

Fact One: The Average 12 year old watches 3 hours a day of television – if they have an ipod cell phone or internet they’re getting ads their too.

 

Fact Two: Child development research shows that children under the age of eight are unable to critically comprehend televised advertising messages and are prone to accept advertiser messages as truthful, accurate and unbiased. I don’t know many 20 year olds that can do that to be honest, so I think the problem is getting worse.

 

Fact Three: Over 530 million dollars was spent on ads during the 2004 Presidential Race. I’ll repeat that over 530 Million dollars was spent on ads during the 2004 Presidential Race and that’s a guesstimate from PBS’ Newsweek, they think they may have even lowballed it.  They were averaging spending 45 million per week. These people don’t have money for bulletproof vests for people in Iraq – but they can spend 45 million a week to get elected – They don’t like to part with money for no good reason. Advertising works.

The same company that made Pepsi ads in the 90’s (Hill and Knowlton) sold the American Public the first Gulf War. Simon Cowell is Karl Rove. We must start catching on. 

 

Hilary Duff doesn’t challenge herself  because they’ve hammered in the fear “What would that do to my fan base?” – Sound Familiar to politicians? – Hilary Duff makes Cheaper by the Dozen 2 for the same reason Hillary Clinton wigs over an Ann Coulter quote, -  pander to your base.  

Last Thought From Duff

 

“And it strikes me that I don't hear myself on the radio. That critics don't really talk about my music. I mean, a song like 'Wake Up' is not for a 50-year-old man with arthritis who doesn't want to get out of bed"

 

Last Thought From Me.

 

No, Hilary it’s not for a 50 year old man with arthritis it was just written by one.

 

The fifty year old critic doesn’t hate your music because he’s old and doesn’t get it, he hates it because it’s an insincere subsidiary of Hilary Duff Inc. You make music the same reason George W. Bush goes to war, because larger men behind bigger curtains tell you to.

 

They hate you because they remember a time when musicians could play an instrument and singers could actually sing and sometimes they proved it by doing it in front of people… you know “live” (that’s what happens when they cut your strings off and you become a real girl Hilary)  And when I say live I don’t mean using backing tracks to trick their fans into believing it’s real – You going mmhmm.. oooh yaah.. in-between lip synching doesn’t make you Billie Holiday (she was a singer Hilary), it makes you another pretty blonde doing Karaoke Mad Libs. They hate you because you and your camp are so untalented when you even covered a music video. They hate you because you bring out a greatest hits collection as your second cd.

They hate you because you’re a passionless tart who only sees things as resume builders to further your wealth and standing and who snap at the slightest criticism while worrying about what “the base thinks” and who you shouldn’t offend because it might hurt the bottom line. They hate you because you turn something that can be deep and meaningful and creative and at it’s best can be used to motivate change for the better into something bought and sold like a happy meal and you do it without flinching.  That’s the problem Hilary.

And isn’t it funny that’s the reason why we hate politicians too.

We need to take back the images and bring back the substance, marketing used to just sell things but at some point while we were sleeping it all just became marketing.

This video seems a bit more relevant than I expected given the fact our Countries Media is having a giant orgy over "Canada's 9/11". Reel it in kids! You want some perspective on this issue? Search "project thread 2003" that's when 22 muslim men aka sorry did i say muslim I meant "a terror cell" according to our countries finest newspapers were also accused of similar charges - in case you were curious none of them were convicted. What ever happens with this case is hard to say - since their's barely any evidence yet - one thing is positive the media is in fear mongering overdrive. I'm working on a video on the media's reaction for next week, so if you stumble across this blog leave a message and in honor of the 2003 project thread - i'd like to leave an open thread if you will - leave me a message about your thoughts on the Canadian Terrorist "Cell". This will prove either a) no one but the media cares about this in Canada or b) people stopped coming to this blahg sometime after the election.  In the Mean Time check out these related sites.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm off to see Jon Stewart tomrrow so try not to burn down Toronto while i'm gone okay?

 

Dan

 

P.S. if you have any of your own sites related to this - and not the regular "RUN!!!" type of Toronto Sun articles leave them below.

 

 

Talk to your friends for free… and now a message from our sponsor:

 

So, Virgin Mobile has taken a giant step forward (erm.. or backward) in youth oriented advertising, they’re offering free minutes as long as you pay attention to their sponsors and they mean pay attention – Sponsors include X BOX 360 and Pepsi - think of it as a soda pop quiz .  

From the New York Times:

The program, called SugarMama, lets people earn one minute of talking time by watching 30-second commercials on a computer or receiving text messages on their phones, then answering questions to prove they were, in fact, paying attention.

Virgin Mobile, a relatively small cellphone carrier with four million mostly young customers, is aiming the program at teenagers, who can earn up to 75 minutes of free talk time a month.

The ironic thing is - advertising which has done everything possible in my lifetime to dull my generations attention span and dumb us down as a whole, is now going to build our memory retention skills? That’s sort of like teaching chickens to fly because you’d rather shoot them then slaughter them, isn’t it?  P.S. – SUGAR MAMA? I guess Virgin presents “Pepsi Owns You” doesn’t sound as hip.

 

 

 

This is your brain, this is your brain on the O’Reilly Factor –

 

 

There is a new childrens book out called “It’s Just  Plant” and no it’s not about Bush press conferences – it’s about Marijuana and why it’s not the evil thing everyone says it is. O'Reilly reads an excerpt from the book, where a marijuana farmer tells a child that all sorts of people smoke marijuana, even presidents! The child then asks her mother if they can plant marijuana – O’Reilly stops – the next passage of course is the part where the mother says no, we can’t do that… Fox Fair and Balanced.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kssS_TEeQfU&eurl

Watch as conservatives do what conservatives do best – ignore problems. Conservative Parenting = your daughter sex in your car in the driveway because the boyfriend isn’t allowed in the house. As long as you don’t know it’s happening it’s not – you know like evolution and global warming and other things Conservatives haven’t caught on to yet.

 

 

The right to a Free Press! Sorry the right to Free the press… I always mess that up.

 

 

Curious to know who owns you? Well they don’t get that specific but this a great site if you’re curious about who owns what in society. If you’re curious about Canada – you’ll want to click on Corus, CanWest and Rogers – They haven’t added Bell Globemedia yet for some reason – but if you’re curious I’ll put it at the bottom too– whatever the first three don’t own, Bell does. (All CTV Channels 24 to be exact , the Globe and Mail and 17 Cable Specialty channels to name a few)

Who Owns What Site:  http://www.cjr.org/tools/owners/

What Bell Globemedia Owns: http://www.bellglobemedia.com/x/?cid=2546

For further evidence: http://www.yourmedia.ca/library/whose.shtml

The TTC 8 Hour Strike or how to successfully shut down society.

Yesterday in Toronto something ridiculous happened, something that brought a city to it’s knees, frogs fell from the sky. Just like that scene from Magnolia. Giant frogs kept falling, and people were freaking out and said they couldn’t get to work and so they cursed the frogs, they wanted to tar and feather the frogs – because for 8 hours - one work day – frogs fell from the sky and disrupted people’s schedule. Okay, so I may be making up the whole frogs angle but that’s what I assumed had happened. I thought for a city  to be this angry and this ready to riot, without a hockey team in the Stanley Cup Playoffs it must be frogs falling from the sky, there’s no other rational explanation for missing a day of work. I went to my window – yet I saw nothing. I turned on the weather network – it was a commercial. I waited but in the daily forcast it said SMOG ALERT – HUMIDITY FACTOR ALERT- SERIOUSLY THE PLANET IS DYING – STAY INSIDE – but nothing about frogs. It turns out the TTC went on strike for a day – not even a full day – most everything was back up by 7. What gives people the right to inconvenience us for one whole day! People were calling radio stations and demanding justice, it was a sad day in Toronto.

Real Things I heard Yesterday.

“They’re so worried about safety for themselves – you’re a TTC driver what do you want us to do put you in a cage? – that’s what they should do put them in cages.then they’d be safe and could stop complaining… haha”

-         Yuppie Women in front of me at line in the grocery store who I assumed drove there by the bmw key chain she had.

“Caller: Just a little human interest story – I had a meeting with a famous Canadian double Amputee – the man has no legs and was meeting me today in the city – he got to Union Station by Go Train at 8 am – then since there was no ttc service had to walk up to our offices all the way up Yonge Street. So I thought the TTC would like to know that..

CFRB’s Bill Carroll: Well that’s a story the Union can be proud of”

 

Okay let’s take a moment of pause for the stupidity that exists here – Caller that’s your fault – you’re the douchebag – send a car! GO PICK HIM UP. You made a double amputee walk up Yonge street to meet you, it’s not the TTC’s fault that you’re an idiot. Why not pay for a cab – too long to wait for a cab? Pay a rickshaw driver, he doesn’t even have both legs, he’s clearly light. Or here’s a crazy idea, you go walk down to meet him – HE’S AN AMPUTEE. Instead of waiting on hold while you wait to bitch on talk radio. DO SOMETHING USEFUL.

Critics said this strike was a merely over Janitorial service disputes and not over other areas highlighted by the Union such as safety concerns. The public felt the need to dimiss that when the TTC drivers went back to work last night. How did Torontoians welcome back the TTC? They did so by beating a driver with a metal pipe then another passenger spit on him.  Apparently a metal pipe like metro passes are also transferable.

When a breakdown in society occurs it is always important for Politicians to grandstand to help the situation move backward. First up Mayor wannabe Jane Pitfield.

"We need to instill confidence in the residents of Toronto so that they know they can depend on full and reliable TTC service," Ms. Pitfield said in a letter suggesting the TTC should be an essential service such as Police or Fire Fighters.

 

Politician Number Two explain why Politician number one is stupid please.

 

"It would be irrelevant to this," he said. "Declaring it an essential service wouldn't have made a difference today because the strike was already illegal." – Mayor David Miller.

 

See, everyone it’s illegal and there’s nothing we can do if a handful of people want to shut the city down – thanks Mayor Miller that’s helpful.

 

A total city without Public Transport for one day – a shocking, awful, tragic event that will scar Torontonians, the economy and society as a whole for years to come! Umm sorry what? Okay duputy chief economist of BMO Douglas Porter you wanted to say something?

“ Douglas Porter, deputy chief economist with BMO Nesbitt Burns, did not think the transit disruption will have any larger financial consequences for Toronto. "I think it's actually quite modest ... I don't think it will have a lasting impact," he said. "You can almost liken it to the impact of a severe snowstorm in [the] city."

So it’s not as bad as frogs falling from the sky, just snow.

“Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he'll no longer give news conferences for the national media, after a dispute led a number of journalists to walk away from an event when he refused to take their questions. “

 

Prime Minster Harper also said he will be “taking his ball and going home” so the house of commons charity softball game is also on hold.

 

Now some of you "sane" people might be thinking – umm that’s your duty sir to report to the media – we’re paying you. You poor naïve left wing crazies! Don’t you see the crazy liberal media is at it again, changing your perspectives.

 

The left wing media in Canada is out of control – they think it’s their right to “ask questions” Well, the Canadian media has flipped it’s wig!!! Lucky for us our Canadian Prime Minister finally spoke out about it.

“unfortunately the press gallery has taken the view they are going to be the opposition to the government." – Stephen Harper to a local media outlet in London Ontario.

 

That’s right the press should know it’s role...official government stenographer! You tell them Stevie! Don’t stop now President Harper you’re on a roll -

"They don't ask questions at my press conferences now. We'll just take the message out on the road. There's lots of media who do want to ask questions and hear what the government is doing." 

 

Okay, so the Prime Minister was biting his tongue on this – not only do the Canadian Media “not ask questions” they think that anyone should be allowed to ask questions – not just the ones the Prime Minister sees fit to let speak.

To those reds I say, he’s the Prime Minister, does that make him accountable to any schmuck who “pays taxes”?  I don’t think so.

 

The Liberal biased media is forcing our greatest Prime Minister to take his message out on the road. (Have you seen gas prices?? Do you know how much message money that's going to take?)

You know what province has nice roads? Alberta! The country finally has to clue in to what Alberta has known for years, what you don’t know, can’t hurt you. Ralph Klein has won on that platform numerous times. 

But still the Left Leaning Commie media is whining about it – get a load of this nonsense.

“The press gallery has refused to play by those rules.  "We can't accept that the Prime Minister's Office would decide who gets to ask questions," Yves Malo, a TVA reporter and president of the press gallery, told CP on Tuesday.  "Does that mean that when there's a crisis they'll only call upon journalists they expect softball questions from?”

You weren’t listening, their will be no softball! It’s Prime Minister Harper’s ball and he can do whatever he sees fit with the ball. Besides, do you blame him? Who likes a hard ball thrown at you? I know I don’t. Baseball is a thinking man’s sport, we’re Canadian, we’re into Hockey! You don’t need brains for that! Look how well the Oilers are doing! Besides "Yves"? I haven't even heard of this so called "TVA". I've heard of A Channel, is TVA like that? Does the A stand for Alberta? I doubt it "yves". I don't recall the Prime Minister giving you the floor to speak either. Another example of the left wing media bias - letting anyone speak.  

Still too complicated? I’ll get a professional to sum it up for you.

“ The reality is that every new government wants to keep a tight lid on its messages…” Conservative Geoff Norquay said during an interview on Politics on CBC Newsworld.

That’s right, Geoff the reality is whatever you want it to be since you're the government and we voted for you. The next four years you own truth or a minority of it atleast. That way it’s easier for us to understand – we couldn’t comprehend complicated bills or legislation, I can’t even figure out my TV Guide! So if the government illiminates reality, there will be no confusion or distrust in the government like their was during the sponsorship scandal – because their will be no scandal! See everybody wins!

Stephen Harper’s Canada - Where Tomorrow Belongs to Me!

A Hot topic on the blogs and church groups is the Da Vinci code craze. What most people aren't talking about however is the real conspiracy behind the film and book itself.

 

Dan Brown is actually God.

 

Jesus besides being your lord and saviour was also a brilliant Political Strategist. You could call Jesus the Karl Rove of his day (Not taking anything away from the achieves of Karl Rove.) Water into wine, curing lepers – the whole “coming back from the dead” thing- all genius. The Crucifix alone is second only to the Mission Accomplished banner in great p.r. stunts.

So, would Jesus simply present himself to us? No of course not – Jesus understands the MTV generation has no attention span, he needs to keep reminding them he exists with something blingy.

If you believe god knows everything and has a divine plan, then you believe God controls all  - Matthew 6:34, "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. “  

Just as Judas must be betray Jesus, Dan Brown must as well.

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Cue the DaVinci Code.

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Da Vinci Code: Sold 60.5 Million Copies Worldwide

The Bible: Unknown but probably somewhere near that.

Da Vinci Code: On the New York Times Best Seller List for many weeks

Bible: Has yet to make the list

Da Vinci Code: Accused of Plagiarizing from two different books

Bible: Accused of Plagiarizing from Greek Mythology.

Plus it’s an awful book, it has a weak plot and is laced with unbelievable, crazy conspiracies plus over the top drama, explosions and chase scenes. (the Da Vinci Code, not the Bible… wait...no, no that’s right).

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Quick Rule: Books do not have explosions and chases – unless they have pictures, then they’re called movies.

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So, how has the Da Vinci code become an international sensation? For a book this dull and vapid it would take some sort of miracle… Ah – ha!

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Fact 2: The Da Vinci Code’s popularity is simply a Miracle. Fact 2 and half: God has been known to work miracles.

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Fact 3: Christians don’t believe in evolution – Christians want creationism taught in schools., Christians often disagree with Scientists and are against abortions frequently protesting outside of clinics. An anagram for Dan Brown is “BAN DR NOW” A hidden message from God perhaps?

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Chronology (not in exact order)

God “Dan Brown” releases the Da Vinci Code on March 18^th (key date)… Immediately it’s a sensation (miracle) and everyone must have it. You now have 60.5 million people reading about Religion. That in turn creates 10 (so far) anti Da Vinci Code books written by Christians. So that means at least another 20 people read about Religion and the Church also makes money – (Rovian Brilliance God!). By the end of 2003 almost everyone on the planet has read the Da Vinci Code – but religion has to stay in the headlines, so what does God do?

 

March 18^th 2004 (key date) - God Talks to George Bush and asks him to be President again.

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June 1st 2004 – George comes back to the White House from Vacation and sees God

has left him a message. George asks Dick for permission, clears the decision with Karl and then accepts God’s request via Billy Graham on June 5th.

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July 2^nd 2004 – God turns John Kerry’s spine into wine.

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November 2004 - Da Vinci Code is as popular as ever and George W. Bush wins Presidency because of the Religious vote.

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Fact 4: The Religious vote did not win an election in 2000 (Al Gore did) what happened between 2000 and 2004 to turn out the religious voter? A little book called the Da Vinci Code.

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March 18^th 2005 (key Date) – Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube is pulled (by Dan Brown aka God… Remember Matthew 6:34 – God’s plan).

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With religion running rampant in the news, the Da Vinci code becomes even more popular and it is announced it will become a major motion picture starring Forrest Gump; who is most famous for his role as an intellectually challenged man who follows his heart and Directed by Ron Howard famous in the 70’s for being stuck in the 50’s. Both are popular Christian themes.

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Television shows all week have been running programmes about the Da Vinci code – but more on the religion aspect in general than the anti religious aspects. Religion is also on the cover of major magazines because of it.

The question you still may be asking is – Why would God write an anti Christian book and turn it into a movie?

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A: There is no such thing as bad publicity.

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Besides, God is pretty smart, he knows people don’t read now a days and most people will go see the movie over reading the book. So, with most people going to see the film – what did god do? He made an awful movie – this is the real genius of God’s plan.

People won’t bother reading the book, because the movie was so awful. Bad movie = crazy author = bad book = Christians being right. The movie will do dismal box office numbers and then Republicans and Christians alike will point to the Passion of the Christ – "Christianity is stronger than ever, just look at the Da Vinci Code – it bombed. I recall the Passion doing great box office etc etc. "A Republican Senator's quote in two weeks from now.

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This weekend the world is talking about Jesus, God and the Bible, all the while there is a genocide in the Sudan, Canadians dying in Afghanistan, everyone else dying in Iraq and a Bird Flu plague killing the remainder of us who survived the first two.

 

Hmm sounds like god to me.

 

Dan